The Calm Before the Storm

Dec. 6, 2013.

10:45 p.m.

Earlier today, I had an appointment to do my fifth and last (I hope) CT scan. This was the first I have ever done with an IV contrast… Things got hot. Let’s just leave it at that. For a quick second I thought I was going to faint – thankfully, I didn’t.

When that was over, I went to another part of the hospital building to pre-register for my operation. They took 7 valves of blood. Right now, my arms are black and blue. All over. I’ve been injected so many times this week, I can’t even count it with my fingers.

Thankfully after that, I got to enjoy the rest of my day.

I figured going to see a movie would be relaxing because there’s literally nothing else to do in Birmingham. So, we saw Best Man Holiday.

GREAT movie to see the day before my surgery. It was basically a story about a woman who died of cancer… Not okay.

Dad steupsed and left the theatre, while Aunty Chris and mom cried the whole way through. I, on the other hand, laughed. I don’t know why. Maybe it was to protect myself so I didn’t look weak. Whatever, moral of the story: It was the last movie I should have watched today.

Ever since, we’ve been at the hotel taking it easy. I read through the packets that the nurses gave me and the surgery sounds horrible. I’m petrified but I’m trying my hardest to fake being happy not only for my parents, but mostly for me. I find it easier when I trick myself into thinking that nothing is actually happening.

It scares me that I won’t have an appetite – I love eating. I’m frightened of having too many tubes in my body – between a chest tube, an arm and neck IV, a drain, and a urinary catheter, I don’t know which one freaks me out more.

I am also a person who loves control and independence. Not being able to control when I’m awake freaks me out. I’m uncomfortable with having people do any and everything for me. I like to do it myself. If the doctor takes out ribs, I won’t be able to do anything for a month. That’s a long time and I’m going to go crazy.

I don’t know if to be excited or scared. After all, this is going to be the first surgery I’ve ever done so I’m frightened, but I’m so happy to finally get this huge bitch out of my chest so I can breathe properly again.

Whatever, I’m over it.

This has gone on far too long and I just want to get rid of Hefty Helga. She needs to go.

I trust my surgeon and I know that the beautiful Alabamian nurses will take good care of me.

God has a plan. He always does. He would never put me in a situation that I cannot handle on my own. He always picks on the strongest people – I’m a trooper.

If I scar, then I’d just look 10 times more beautiful than any other woman on a beach. And I’m going to rock that scar like no one’s business.

Wish me luck.

I know my Grandma Teresa and Uncle Paul are watching over me. God is with me too. God is good and I’ll be in good hands.

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